Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
