i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
