I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
