i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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