remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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