On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
