Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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