I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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