the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
