i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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