I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
