he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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