Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
