I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
