Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
