I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
