The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
