so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
jump out the window naked night went bad
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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