I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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