just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I need to calm my uterus...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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