I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
