i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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