I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just blew my weed a kiss
She needs sedatives and a leash
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
