I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
