it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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