so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize