You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
