wat bout pragnant strippers??
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
