I am in a vortex of obligation.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
