you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
