i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
