Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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