when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
