He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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