I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
