if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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