I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
