I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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