DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
