Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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