Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
