My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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