best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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