My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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