so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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