Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
