I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
