so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
