After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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