she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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