if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
