At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
