Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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