So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
