i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
