Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
