There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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