Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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